My Body My Scares

Am I a blogger? No, not really. Writting isn’t my first love being dyslexic writting really is a nightmare. But I have so much I want to say and if you can look pass the imperfection of my writing and understand what’s in my heart there are things I would like to say then that is what matters to help people out there and to let people know your not alone.

It’s my body so why do I feel like I am not worth it with my lose skin, varicose veins, stretch marks and cellulite body. Why does my life have to be about comparing myself to other woman and why does it have to matter? The man I am with loves me so why is it so important for acceptance.

For me it’s because I’ve been hurt, I was told I was not worth looking at and I was fat and that I was gross. So I had a self image problem but I had to realize the past is the past and it’s not true…..never let anyone take your happiness away.

It comes down to self-worth, self-love and having self-esteem. But it’s working on yourself everyday. It’s a work in progress.

I wake up everyday feeling great it’s when I open up socail media and I start comparing myself to others? So, I decided I just can’t open up socail media right way until I work on myself and of course have my coffee meditate and workout. I can not care about what others think and realize I am beautiful and if I am working on myself everyday that’s all that really matters.

I hate being compared, I hate it with a passion!! I feel when your with someone who you love and honor then your with that person…..life is about being happy so be with someone who makes you happy and can hold your hand and listen to your heart and like wise.

My heart was broken and healing it well it’s been a ride most people don’t know about. When self-love sinks into your heart and you don’t care anymore what others think and the Journey has just begun on a new life.

These pictures that are at the bottom are in different lighting. I have varicose veins that look like cellulite and at times I just want to cry….they hurt and are painful but I never slow down because I have a crew that keeps me busy like everyone else who’s a mum, wife and has to work. So, to take control of my life I truly have to have my morning time….working out is so important and keeping my health up. It’s so important varicose veins are no joke and I have to keep an eye on them. Getting them fix in the future but that’s something that I will need to do and can’t wait.

I got varicose veins during my fourth pregnancy and only got worse when I got pregnant with my fifth since I was carrying twins and never knew until I lost one of the twins in my fifth month my body was going through so much at that time. I truly look at all six children and I would do it all over again because they are worth it, knowing that my body was like “what the hell”! But when a mother sees her baby at least for me I would go through anything for them.

When I workout, I workout on things to help me improve my target places that bug me. I use kettlebells they are my favorite! I pull my tire and I use bands for my legs. When our gym is done we will have it all, the bar, squat rack and much more….but what I have now is great. You do what works for you.

Yep varicose veins are not fun

Lighting makes it more noticeable

Took a long time to conquer a bikini fear

I am no fitness model or expert, a mum who knows that if you want something so bad you need to fight it. Surrounding yourself with people who better you and no negative talk will help alot. It’s all in the mind focus on positive and soon you will not only see a difference but you will love yourself more!

To all mums out there and dad’s too, looking good is not wrong remember because your a mum or dad doesn’t mean you can’t look great and feel great! Teach your children about health and self-esteem, self-love and self-worth. I am no 20 year old those days are gone…and being 41 I have the right to look great because it’s what I want.

And remember when you feel great about yourself  your relationships are better! So is sex, now most people now are going to think wow, why did she say that….it’s true! Loving yourself all around helps you closer to your partner. When there is negative on a person and they don’t value themselves then how is being with the one you love going to help its not. That’s why it’s so important to know where your heart is. You’re not the only one out there with these feelings.

Please remember when working out study or ask for help. Working with weights are the best but you need to know what your doing. Start light and work up…..working with weighs has giving me the confidence I need to feel great in my own skin!

Love Becca~

 

 

Faith, Hope And Love

 

What does it mean to have FAITH, HOPE, AND LOVE? Are you someone who has all three in your heart?

1~ Trust, belief, confidence, ect….

2~ Expcetation, desire, wish, ect…

3~ Passion, devotion, intimacy, ect…

 

Years ago felt like I did not have any of them. I wasnt really sure if I even had faith in God and myself. I walked around believing I wasn’t good enough. I had no confidence. I had no expectation for life and all I desired was Passion.

Many years ago at 17 I was told that girls with red hair were the most ugliest girls on earth and why did God even make them. There wasn’t a red-head that even has a good-looking body ether. I was devastated and so hurt by these harsh words, my self-worth went way down at that point. I didn’t see myself the same for a while. Years went by I would feel like I was something again and then more words would hit me and I would feel like nothing all over again. And I realized I was letting what people say get to me.

How come I let people affect me in how I viewed myself?

Being made fun about being dyslexic wasn’t fun ether. I had a fear of reading infornt of everyone, even my family. I Fought so hard in school for my education. But yet those words ” you’re so retarded ” and many others words even as I got older wasn’t always pleasant. I work twice as hard as people who have no problem, I will always see things differently. So guess what now I am finally doing something I love, it’s to write! I might not be great and perfect at it and hopefully you can read what I write but being 41, I am going to conquer my fear on this one.

So I realized after having baby after baby I tried really hard to make sure I got back my weight so I wasn’t a disappointment. So all those years I had this feeling of not being much and being compared to the world well…..Guess what? You can’t think like that. If someone is going to love you they need to love you for who you are not want they want or want the world wants.

I am a believer of Jesus Christ, So what ever you believe is what ever you believe in. I don’t judge but this is me and I have always had Christ in my heart I just needed to look deep into my soul and feel that love again that had always been there. There was a time that my Faith was gone because I didn’t think I was worth Gods love and I wasn’t important to anybody. Boy was that not true.

Sometimes life is unclear, but it is at those moments that we need to have FAITH, HOPE AND LOVE. Don’t just say your going to be happy, be happy…..actions are better than words. We as humans are hard on ourselves, you don’t have to be.

Truth is what you believe in! Its that’s simple, I understand it doesn’t feel that way. Life isn’t always going to be great, there will be heart ache, death, sadness, anger, betrayal and then enjoy, happiness, love, hope, trust, ect….. but it’s what you do with your approach to it all. When I almost lost my son 13 years ago I was in a state on mind of why did God do this?….I was angry and wasn’t able to let go of hurt for awhile…..same with my divorce, I was heart-broken and sad I couldn’t understand why is this happening. So when my mum passed away I felt I was done being hurt and  blaming God. I had to put my FAITH back in God and even though I still cry and I am sad without her I had to believe again that trusting God will get me through the hurt I sometimes still feel.

There are so many women who look like they have it all together: great job, amazing family life, lots of friends, and a perfect life. And inside, their souls are being crushed by the weight of hating their bodies and fighting with demons of liking who they are. Yet their social media profiles probably looks amazing. Remember not everyone is perfect, and really what is perfection anyway? It’s what you make it to be!

My wonderful partner has taught me one thing is the feeling self pity isn’t attractive and it’s fine to be hurt and sad but it’s how you are able to cope with it all. You can’t have a healthy relationships when your all in self pitty.

When jeff meet me I truly was scared about him getting to know me because I felt like after a while he would walk away. I mean I wasn’t that model type and having 6 kids I knew that he might run…but he didn’t. I kept asking why is he still here? I finally stop asking why because I realized it was that he loved me. Glad because he still to this day makes me melt when he walks in the room.

Is everyday a day of warm and fuzzies? No, but that’s when you work even harder to make that day better! Never give up, never be negative and learn to have HOPE in your heart!!

I truly hope you have a wonderful Easter.

Love Becca ~~

P.s….another fear check off list, not hiding behind my sunglasses!!! I take them off a lot more.

A mother’s love~

 

This was the last time seeing my mum July 5 2015. She past away November 14 2015.

I was born March 2, 1975 to Thomas James Gross ( Luyznski ) and Patricia Lynne Gross. I was 4 pounds and 6 ounces. Both parents have passed away. My father 8 years ago and my mother 4 months ago.

Life isn’t always peaches and cream, in fact life is tuff and sometimes you just need to have a good cry! I look at life as the hardest test there is and I and not good with tests. But that doesn’t mean you stop living life.

12 years ago I almost lost my son Tucker, number 3 child. My ex husband and I were going thought a lot. Him in school, working and me with home with to others little ones. Being young and scared and not knowing if our son would make it through the night. I was beside my self with fear.

Tucker was born with breathing problems. Having surgery at three days old, I can remember wondering why me? Was God mad? Everything was going through my head, racing a mile a minute. Lucky my mum was there to hold my hand! Being a mum she knew too what it was like to almost lose a new born. My brother was 2 pounds and 14 ounces at birth, born at 6 months 9 days. He was not in good shape. So, my mum knew that feeling! She was my rock!!

When my father passed away apart of her was gone. You just knew there was apart of her lost. She keep alot of his things and very grateful for that. She came to live with me and my ex husband and boy my kids loved their nana. They all had that bound with my mum that was very special.

Years went by and I was becoming a single mom. Yep, another fear of sadness and heartache. Of course, my mum held my hand yet again. She move in with me and helped me during that time of hurt and being scared as HELL! We sat up many nights crying together then giggling because we cried so much that you just can’t cry anymore. And to not even know at this time she had a rare case of lung disease. Slowly getting worse and we didn’t understand why she have a hard time breathing.

So through the last year’s of her life she was dying and to know she found herself always helping me. She really was my hero!

This is my first birthday without her and at 41 now I have to say I was dam lucky and so grateful she was my mother! A mother’s love is truly amazing gift. Each parent brings a love to their children that makes a child grow up strong!

TO MY MOTHER:

Thank you for bringing me into this world. I am sad you are gone, but you live with in us all. I ( we ) will never forget you and you smile, your kindness and your laughter. Thanks for holding my hand and crying and laughing with me during hard times. You were my MUM!!

Your daughter, Rebekah ~~

 

 

Life is always best at the beach

Growing up in California I fell in love with the water. I always felt happier just sitting staring at something that is truly a gift from God.

Problems always seemed like they got easier staring at the water, it was magical in some way.

These are my children and a new addition my step son up above. They are what makes life worth living. They make me fight for a better life and better me. Children are so darn amazing their love is easy, you just need to learn to listen and love them back. Being there for your children no matter what.
They need direction and guidance and always be a parent first not a friend that comes later.

It hasn’t been a walk in the park, kids after divorce has their days and believe me I went to bed many nights crying and wondering was this really the best thing to do?
For me yes, it’s never never easy to walk away from a life you had.

You have to learn what you want and what makes you happy in life. No one can do that for you, it is 100% up to you and only you

Life has its moments to where you don’t know whats around the corner and at anytime can sneak up and bite you real hard in the butt. Your going to have to learn to take these moments and learn from them. How you react can make a difference. Sometimes just stepping back and breathing can help.

There is no hand book for life after divorce or many other life’s trials and really no matter what you have to move on and let it go. Hard I know, doesn’t matter who is right or wrong your children can’t move forward if there is hate and anger. Even in the worse situations you still need to be the bigger person and move on.

My life changed  4 years ago and I understand……. hurt, pain, anger, sadness, betrayal, loneliness and being a scared single parent. Its was no ones business and I kept to myself.

The one thing I learned over the years is letting go. I have been able to open a door to learn to trust, love and hope again. Its a FIGHT every dam day! I choice to fight because I want a better me. It might seem silly to a person who’s never felt that pain before but its real and its a cold world to be in.

My children are what makes me want to live life to where they see their mom loving who she is and fighting to stay on top and teaching them to learn to forgive and let go!

Life is a gift from God, make everyday count!

Love, Becca

Fight For A Better You

Fighting for a better you. Who knew how hard that could be.

I woke up one one day to my life changing right before my eyes. My marriage wasn’t what I thought it was. I was scared and stopped believing in Gods plan for me or really anything I put my heart into. I just was numb.

I became a single mom of 6. I started going back to work again ( hadn’t worked in a very long time outside the home ) between 4 am and 5 am which means mornings were very early.

So life wasn’t the easiest and raising 6 kids plus 3 dogs……..yep, I was a walking ZOMIE!

Time has gone by almost 4 years later, which I will surly talk about more in due time. I had to make a choice, to ether pity myself or fight for a better me. I fight like HELL everyday for a new me. When I made that choice to become a single mom I knew my life would change in a new direction.

Life is about learning everyday and teaching yourself new things in life. Being Negative wont help you it will just bring you down. keep your head up high and remember your worth Gods love and when you have him in your heart nothing can bring you down!

I will never forget those nights after putting my kids to bed staying up crying thinking God hates me, why me why did this have to happen? But it was those nights that God held my hand and got me through each day and each night. Working and learning to be that strong woman I knew I had to be wasn’t easy but let me tell you I needed my self worth back, so fighting like hell is the only way I knew I would love me again…….

Loving yourself isn’t easy, but let me say its worth giving it a try! Fight for a better you your worth it.

Love, Becca